Damage Control, for after Sauron comes to power again

There's really not much for it once it's gotten this bad.

1. Acquire a large hound of some sort. Literally any large dog will work, although as insurance you may want to locate one that can talk for some reason. Authenticity is key.


2. Head to Rivendell and locate Arwen Evenstar. Perhaps make it clear to both Lord Elrond and her intended that you are not attempting to court her. She may be away in Lothlorien visiting her grandmother. Go there, and do not succumb to the temptation to pick the nearest dark-haired elf and leave. Sauron is currently a giant eye, which I assure you has vision quite capable of picking out the likeness of the one entity of Middle-earth he ever feared. Luckily for you, Arwen looks exactly like her, so you should be good.


3. Found her? Good. Give her the hound and ask her to head out in the vague direction of Mordor to do literally anything. It doesn't matter if she's going to pick up the groceries as long as she's approaching Mordor with the hound and ideally a sword clearly visible on her.


4. At this point, Sauron is going to forgo all laws of anatomy, the fact that he is one of the Maiar and therefore unsusceptible to sickness, and the fact that he is a disembodied eye to immediately think Lúthien has returned and go into cardiac arrest. You don't really need to know who she was, but prior knowledge may help you refine the disguise further.
   I'd be wary asking an elf, however. You don't really have the time to hear them sing for twelve hours right now. But feel free to do so after the fact, if you're still curious. Anyway. Congratulations, world saved, goodbye.

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If the above method doesn't work... well, we hate to say it, but Gandalf may actually be right. Just send a hobbit. But try using these tips to make your little group more efficient.

• Send Glorfindel. Please. The guy has literally slayed a Balrog. If there's another unfortunate encounter with one in Moria, you won't run into nearly as much trouble, and Gandalf won't be running off for weeks for an upgrade that we for one think he didn't need to die to obtain.


• Try adding more people, perhaps? We get that nine is symbolic and all because it matches the nine Nazgul, but a few more will hardly constitute an army that Sauron will see, and a few extra warriors can only be helpful when dealing with three orc attacks a minute.

For anyone who's thinking about the eagles right now- if I have to explain, I am going to be out of here faster than Legolas was getting out of the pass of Caradhras. Read this.